How to communicate with bereaved people

It’s National Bereaved Parents Day on 3^rd July 2024, an awareness event established by charity A Child of Mine in 2020 to honour bereaved parents and to break the silence around the death of babies and children.

This year’s theme is “You Are Not Alone,” which encourages everyone to talk and to be there for bereaved parents.

If a colleague, friend or relative is bereaved – whether through the death of a child or someone else close to them – do you know what, and what not, to say?

The National Bereavement Service has put together this quick guide to help you have better conversations, especially in that first encounter, which many of us find daunting.

Anticipate

Don’t cross the street to avoid meeting someone who is newly bereaved, or – unless they’ve communicated that this is their preference – launch into a work-related conversation with no reference to what has happened to a colleague on their first day back at work. 

A little thought in advance and, while the conversation may feel slightly awkward, it will be one that is genuine and leaves the bereaved person feeling that their grief has been recognised and acknowledged.

Acknowledge

Always acknowledge what has happened unless you’ve been given specific instructions otherwise. “I was sorry to hear….” – you may not even complete the sentence before the bereaved person responds.

Their response will demonstrate whether that’s sufficient, or whether they want to have a longer conversation.

Listen

Not just with your ears, but with your eyes and body language. For some people, a spontaneous hug is exactly right, but for others, it will be intrusive.

Focus

This interaction must always be about the bereaved person’s experience and their preferences. It is not the time to reminisce about all the people you know who have died.

Be honest – with kindness

If you didn’t know the person who has died, you don’t need to invent.

Concentrate on the bereaved person instead, or facts about the deceased person you know from your friend or colleague.

If your colleague complained about how loudly their partner played music, then “I guess the house may seem quiet now?” may show you have remembered what they have said but recognise that all changes are challenging in early bereavement.

Never make assumptions

Never assume anything about the relationship of the bereaved person with the person who has died, nor about their belief systems or their end-of-life experience.

There are very few religions that guarantee that someone is “in a better place”. “At least they didn’t suffer” is also a major assumption. None of us can really know this, and pain and suffering can be spiritual, moral and emotional, as well as physical.

What appears superficially to have been a successful marriage may have, in reality, been characterised by years of abuse of varying kinds.

Be specific with offers of help

“Let me know if there is anything I can do” is too vague. Are you saying it just to be polite or do you really mean it? The bereaved person can’t be sure.

Offers of meals for the freezer, lifts to go shopping, sharing the school run or help with gardening, DIY or other chores are often needed and, even if not, show that your offer is genuine.

If it is likely that a newly bereaved person will be inundated with visitors, then tea, coffee, biscuits and loo roll will all be helpful.

When is your experience relevant?

You may have experienced a bereavement in the past in similar circumstances. You may choose to have a quiet word with your bereaved colleague or friend, or send a note or an email acknowledging this, saying: “You may not know this about me, but my son took his own life ….. years ago. I’m here for you if you want to talk about what has happened.”

Need more help?

Access practical bereavement support from our partner the National Bereavement Service.

The National Bereavement Service supports anyone who has experienced a bereavement, including sudden or traumatic bereavement, with practical and emotional information and advice from professional bereavement advisors with lived experience.

They can help you to comply with legal requirements, signpost you to providers such as funeral directors and solicitors, and provide a listening ear that helps you through a very difficult time.

Their expert advisers also help anyone to plan ahead for their own death, from Wills and Lasting Powers of Attorney to considering funeral costs.

For personal, confidential, and practical help following a bereavement, or for advice when planning your future, call the National Bereavement Service on 0800 0246 121 or visit www.thenbs.org. If you are experiencing financial difficulties, they can transfer you to one of our experienced advisers at PayPlan to discuss your circumstances.

At PayPlan, if any individuals we speak to disclose that they are struggling with the impact of bereavement, then due to the partnership we have in place, we can transfer a client directly to the National Bereavement Service hotline or make an online referral.

Get in touch with PayPlan

If you or someone you know is experiencing financial difficulties because of bereavement, you can contact PayPlan on 0800 316 1833. We’re open from 8am to 8pm Monday through Friday and 9am to 3pm on Saturdays. You can also visit our website to chat with us digitally or for further information.